Before you laugh at the fact I’ve put the words ‘doing it’ in the title (hehe, ‘doing it’), this blog is (for the most part) not about sex.
So 3 years is gone, the big U is almost over and done with and I’m packing up all my photos, textbooks and trinkets (including my extensive array of Kinder egg toys). But with packing comes extensive procrastination, and after a few hours of trolling the internet, I’ve come to a devastating conclusion:
I’ve been doing it wrong.
To re-iterate, I’ve not been doing that wrong…I don’t think. I’m pretty sure that that goes in there and that Disney music accompaniment is a big no-no (apparently).
No no, apparently I’ve been doing my teens completely wrong. After reading a plethora of literature (kind of) and credible articles (kind of) about the things I should know/should have achieved by the time I’m 21, I’ve decided to sum up why the internet thinks I’ve done my teens wrong, and how I simply can’t be a grown up without having learnt these valuable life lessons. I may also, on occasion, sum up why I think these are total crap. So without further ado, numero uno on the list of things the internet says I should do in the next 2 months before I become a failure at life:
Bitch slap someone.
A surprisingly popular entry. A number of sites suggest I should have, by this point, bitch slapped/argued/punched someone I hate. Sorry, internet, for not being a hate filled teenager from an episode of 90210.
Have sex with a stranger outside.
What if it’s not weather permitting? What if the stranger has cooties? What about wildlife? Spiders and woodlice stop for no one, especially people doin’ the do. Oh and the chlaymidia/AIDS/herpes sitch. But seriously, watch out for that wildlife.
Move on from teen pop.
'Currently listening to: McFly'
Screw you internet.
Travel for 6 months or more.
Try telling that to someone who’s £980 in to their overdraft.
Fall in love.
This is a tricky one. I hate be smooshy, but I have indeed found someone who has put up with my irrational fear of yogurt, and my not-so-secret undying love for Martin Freeman, long enough that we have exchanged the big L word (it was a close one, 19 single years on the planet and I was pulling off the ‘crazy cat lady’ look too well).
Before I say the next bit, I just want to clarify: love is top notch, it really is the dog’s nuts..but who is the internet to say I should’ve done it before I was 21? If I hadn’t have found love by the big 2-1, should I have destined myself for a lifetime of Come Dine With me re-runs and cat grooming? Whilst being with someone changes you somewhat, who’s to say the single version of me would be any worse? SCREW YOU INTERNET FOR DAMNING HYPOTHETICAL SINGLE LIVVY.
Have my heart broken.
Does the time that Sainsbury’s ran out of creme eggs count?
Find out ‘who I am’.
I feel like asking me to ‘know who I am’ by the time I’m 21 is a bit like eating a plate of food for the first time, and labelling yourself a vegetarian before you’ve tasted the sirloin steak. In the great grand scheme of things, I haven’t even had a taste of life yet. Everyone knows university isn’t real life, it’s a gin-fuelled whirlwind of dodgy kebabs and sticky nightclub floors. Give us a chance, internet!
And there we have it, a (by no means exhaustive) list of how I’ve done it all wrong thus far. I have 2 months to become an self-assured, rage filled, slutty naturist with a penchant for classical music. Wish me luck.